Title: Brave

Summary: A sixteen-year-old Nikolaj contemplates an undeniable truth about himself

Rating: PG

Spoilers/Timeline: First book ~ 1996

Characters: Nik, Rufus, Ben

Brave

At sixteen, Nik isn't brave the way Rufus is brave. Rufus, who charged into his life nine years ago, swinging scarves and singing songs. Rufus, who walks down school hallways in glittery flip flops. Rufus, who can bare his soul on stage as easily as slipping off a jacket. Rufus, who publically admits to liking ABBA. Rufus, who has been out of the closet since he was fourteen years old.

About a week after Rufus made his big announcement, Ben cornered him at some family function to declare that, as far as he was concerned, Rufus no longer qualified as a Fairchild.

"You're not my cousin anymore, queer," he'd spat.

Rufus blinked, wiped his face and replied, "So you're admitting that, until now, we were in fact related?"

"It's a good thing he told me I'd been disowned," Rufus concluded when he related the story to his friends a few days later. "Otherwise," he laughed, "I might not've noticed." He honestly thought the whole thing was kind of funny.

Classic Rufus behavior. In school, the exceptionally homophobic kids tend to avoid him--they claim from disgust, though Nik suspects it's at least partially fear--but when people do act hatefully towards Rufus, he nearly always shrugs it off. It doesn't seem to occur to him to feel ashamed or bitter. Nobody else's prejudice is about to stifle his behavior. He is at all times energetically, defiantly, flamboyantly, charmingly, infuriatingly, and --why not admit it?--lovably himself.

Nik isn't brave like that. He has other things going for him--patience, for example--and he's a good student as well as a good friend; maybe a bit reserved, but warm. Yet sometimes this all seems eclipsed by how much of himself he has to hide, things he's concealed for years. There's a part of Nikolaj Sorensen that nobody else knows about, and lately it seems to be steadily growing.

It's the part of him that inwardly sighs when relatives ask if he's gotten a girlfriend "yet." The part not only angered by his dad's bigotry, but scared. The part of him that sometimes would really like nothing more than to wrap his arms around Rufus and kiss him until they can't breathe. The part that thinks maybe ABBA wasn't so bad, either.

He knows this piece of himself is too important, too central to dodge forever. Sooner or later, he will need to come out. But whenever he starts thinking about this, his mind goes back to his parents, the way their faces stiffen and sour when a homosexual appears on the news. Or the things his father says about "those people," especially after a few drinks. His parents would never accept Nik's "choice," he's well aware, and this knowledge has a weight to it that fills him with fear and exhaustion.

Nik is not afraid that his parents would hit him, or disown him (although in his dad's case it's certainly possible.) Mostly, he's afraid they would stop loving him.

The more time he spends with Rufus, the more he wants to stop denying this part of him. Still, he keeps resisting. Who wants to effectively render themselves an orphan?

No, Nik isn't brave the way Rufus is brave. But now, as they sit on the floor of Rufus's room, laughing quietly and almost holding hands, Nik looks over at the grinning dark-haired boy and they both go silent. Before Nik can even think about it, they're moving closer together and he doesn't know exactly what's going to happen, but here in his sixteenth year, with the boy who once saved his life, Nik feels brave enough.